I am having a moment where I need some blogging therapy....been so long since I have hit the blogging scene but today I just felt the need for some bloggin'.
At 9 am today, I was covered in poop and headed down the road of a full on melt down (me, not my 2 1/2 year old or my 10 month old---ME). We are in the throws of potty training and my type A self is taking accidents way to personally....am I alone here? I pray not.....Anyways, Jackson says he has to poop but I cannot get there because I am changing my 10 month old's poopy diaper and I tell him just to go in his Pull Up. Which I am going ahead and embracing Pull Ups after an accident soaking the entire couch and another one involving a fairly new rug!! Anyways, I finally got him out of his chair about 30 minutes later and there is poop everywhere- I mean EVERYWHERE...covering the chair, my son, his feet, his legs but I do not realize how much body surface is covered until I get him into his room and start changing him. It was really impressive for a 2 1/2 year old child. And I am really having an emotional battle of anger and frustration in this moment. He starts screaming about getting changed and I am yelling louder! Finally Jackson is cleaned and I move back to the den. Then, I see the RUG! 4 big stains and I still haven't cleaned the chair. Needless to say, this took quite some time and by the end of it, I really thought I was going to lose my mind. Jackson looked at me at one point and said, "It's fine, Mama? You still love me?" And, my angry, selfish heart began to settle down as I said, "Of course I still love you, Buddy. It is just an accident. You will have another chance tomorrow."
So, this story got me thinking about God and how much more he loves Jackson than I do (and Clark of course:)) He states he forgives us 70x7 times and that Jesus died for us while we were STILL sinners. When we sin and he sees the enormous mess and stain of what we have done, He still looks on us in love...Thank you, Jesus! I have this internal battle in motherhood that I face where I let the enemy speak the words "You are a failure" over me. At times, it feels like I might ruin my children and they will never sleep and they will never know how to use the potty and I am going to miss my chance to do God's will on the earth and I am not doing enough ______. But, here is the truth of the matter:
"Christ is before all things, and in Him all things hold together"- Colossians 1:17
This means that the same Jesus that left Heaven and came to Earth to live as a man and eventually died the death I deserved and now is seated at the Right Hand of God Almighty is holding it all together. He is for me, not against me. I can trust Him; He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and He never changes. His mercies are new every morning. So, today, when I felt like a failure, I decided to turn this into a prayer....
"God, I am so inadequate in so many areas. I want to be a woman of God. I want my life to be a light for your Kingdom. I want my children to love you more than life itself. Please help me to be the mother You would have be to be."
And, God is continuing to remind me that He always sees me as righteous and holy because of the blood of His Son. So, on good days, bad days and in between, in the mundane details of cleaning up messes and washing bottles and changing diapers and keeping one child from beating the other child in the head and the temper tantrums and the sleepless nights, I can trust that Christ sees it all and that HE is holding it all together and that He will help me. God loves me and all of us regardless of how well we perform for him, what all we think we can do for him, if we have had a quiet time today--He is love and He is calling me to a relationship with Him That means we are in PROCESS- one day at a time. And He is in the details saying "I love you, keep going, one step at a time. You will have another chance tomorrow".
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