The Shame Game

Ashamed.

That is one of the main feelings I can use to describe how I have felt this week.

Ashamed. When my 4 year old fought against 3, yes 3, grown medical professionals trying to obtain a strep test (which he did have). I saw the looks they exchanged as he bit the tongue depressor and gritted his teeth and made their job a living nightmare.

Ashamed. When it was my two boys fighting that caused the other little boy to run and tell his mom that they were making his play time not so much fun and then they left. I felt like I saw a look that she gave me too.

Ashamed. As I carried two bawling, boneless children through Publix trying to get to my car after they pitched royal fits through most of the checkout line. I saw the look my grocery cart helper and an older lady walking by exchanged as they took in my helpless state against the two raging children.

Ashamed. When I lost it on my 6 year old who needed me to stay in the room so he could go to sleep when I was trying to get other children down at the same time. He was scared. He wanted me close by. But I just needed him to “LAY YOUR HEAD DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP!!”

Ashamed. At the pediatrician discussing screen time and discipline and feeling like I was really failing to monitor the former more closely and enforce the boundaries on the latter. 

Of course, I felt like other moms and other people were doing a better job. I felt like I was the problem. I was the source. I was the FAILURE. I felt weighted down, heavy, burdened. Like the tears could fall any minute. And I really hadn’t put together all of the above causing shame at that moment. I just knew I felt overwhelmed and found myself asking for joy from the Lord. Claiming it because He wants His children to have joy that is complete.

Through time in the Word and through precious friendships as well as in the wee hours of night as I was up with the littlest, the Lord started whispering to my heart. I felt Him bringing the Scripture to mind of “not losing heart.” And I kept saying those words over and over to myself. The next day, one of my friends said to me that her prayer was that I would see myself as the Lord sees me, full of grace. That I would know He is not disappointed in me and His love for me is unchanging. She said, and I loved this so much, that if grace was like water that I could just stand under it and have it wash over me. What a beautiful picture.

The verse I mentioned above is from Galations 6:9, “And let us not grow weary of doing good. For in due time we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” What a precious Word for my weary soul. Maybe it is a Word you need to hear too. Are you in a place where you feel hopeless? Like you can’t get any traction? Success feels far away? Life is just too hard and has you down?

I feel like all of those moments mentioned above from the week have taught me some things I need to work on as a mother. Areas for potential growth to help me and my children. However, condemnation is not from the Lord. It is from the enemy. There is work to be done for us all. And my part in the work is to not lose heart. God asks me to not give up. Put one foot in front of the other day after day. The little moments that seem unseen matter to Him. My faithfulness matters. I have to engage. I have to remember to cast my cares on Him for He cares for me. His burden is easy and light. He wants joy in my heart. And, when I mess up, His forgiveness is right there to meet me and I have new mercies which come with the sunrise of each new day. Thank you Lord!!

So, I pray you would be encouraged wherever this word finds you. That you would be able to have eyes to see yourself as the Lord sees you and take a shower in His unlimited grace and unending love.